Lets move now to more subtle and common form of Abuse, Verbal Abuse.
Brutal Verbal Abuse is easy to identify, “ You Bitch, I hate you” “You Bastard, I will kill you” … the realm of alcoholics and individuals filled with anger and hatred – they vent it indiscriminately on their spouses, children, mindless of the damage that they are doing.
Oddly enough if you live with someone given to verbal abuse, you tend to switch off and find recourse in other facets such as children, work, friends but you do also get sympathy from Society which helps you deal with it. You are some kind of hero defying a demon. More likely suffering from the Stockholm syndrome but then you don’t know that.
Stockholm Syndrom ….
What happens if the verbal abuse is Subtle? Now there is no one to call you out as a hero?
Case of Gopal and Meera
At a dinner party. Meera, “ I have to show this beautiful vase I bought yesterday” Before her friend could respond Gopal interjected” Meera loves to show off, pehli baar ek Vase Kharida hae na” Everybody laughs, Meera goes red with embarrassment.
Friend “ I love your name, Meera. Reminds of Meera Bai” Before Meera can respond Gopal “ Ya leikin is mae koi Meera nahi .. sirf Bai he Bai hae” Again laughter.
Now Meera has had enough. Gopal comes home and she accuses him of putting her down in front of her friends. Gopal’s response is I only state facts why are you getting so upset about it.
Gopal gets a promotion and throws a party where his friend toasts his success Meera turns around and says “ Chaprusi se kuchh to Mila” and there is shocked silence and everyone stares at her. Gopal looks at her and says “ Are you Mad, woman?” Not to worry she will get better with practice … the war is on and “lack of good life” continues
Okay let’s dissect this now:
Be it a subtle or Loud, Verbal Abuse is hard hitting – a sped arrow and a spoken word cannot be retracted, they kill something in side, immediately or bit by bit – irrevocably!
Meera went to her parents and I want to leave Gopal, he is constantly putting me down and making fun of me. Her mother asked her “Does he beat you? No. Is he having an affair? No. So a little bit of jokes at your expense is no big deal. Your father does it to me all the time & I have lived with it [ being the hero to save face]!
Verbal abuse that is depreciating and kills basic self respect does not even qualify as abuse in most people’s eyes and the law is as far away from it as the Moon from our planet
- Gopal’s jokes about his wife were not funny, he humiliated her, leading to her to question her self respect. She retailed and ended up showing him down in front of his friends. A cycle that would be hard to get out off. Probably would end at you do your thing and I will do mine
- Loss of Love
- Loss of Respect
- Loss of relationship
- Loss of the Goodness of life itself.
Physical Abuse like Subtle Verbal abuse is not taken seriously. All you have to do is travel in Public transport in some parts of the country and you will know exactly what it means.
You will be pushed, pinched and shoved, if you are in a vehicle you may be forced of the road, or have someone zig zag around you. Why, to show of some form of un-maniless. Agenda, to intimidate into submission or some warped sense of heroism learnt from Bollywood movies where a girl falls in love with a man who slaps her.
What if you are not in Public transport but in a home like Aparna.
Aparna works as a receptionist and keeps much to herself despite being invited for lunch by the other girls. Puts on a lot of make up, which the girls make fun off behind her back.
Her story is straightforward, her husband has anger issues, he tells her he loves her but the smallest of things will trigger him to pin her down even chock her to an extent that she thought she would die one day. Being slapped and dragged on the floor by hair, locked in a room, being spat on, not allowed to sleep is common. She has hardened over the years and just covers her bruises with make up and goes to work. Thank God for her work. It keeps her sane.
All physical abuse but nothing that a cop would write down as you have nothing much to show for it.
Same as any kind of abuse: Its people living in hell as a choice.
It would be hard to say what the numbers are of men and women that have been a victim of Sexual Abuse.
The men in most cases would never admit or report it, therefore making it really hard to know the number. It is however, believed to be very high.
While there is a fair amount of name calling with Sexual innuendoes in public, it exists within homes with young children being the victims. What beats me is that often the family members know the predators and yet their silence.
How can anyone be in the same room as a sexual predator. As humans don’t we have any iota of sensibility, compassion for the victim or ability to stand up. An uncle that has abused a child continues to get included in family events as if nothing happened!
Lets look at some cases
Tinku is six years old and very cute with chubby cheeks. His loves his dad’s friend Uncle Ch as he constantly brings him chocolates. He will come home and ask him to sit on his lap and ruffle his hair telling him he is good boy. Sometimes when his mother and father go out in the evening, Uncle Ch offers to look after him. Initially it was okay but of late Uncle has started asking him to funny things, he doesn’t like it but there is always a super gift at the end.
Is that going to be reported. No. Is Tinku going to have a normal Life. No.
Sexual abuse is anyone touching without permission. To quote from the movie “Pink”. No is a full sentence, that means No.
Forcing Sex be it your own husband, forcing you to watch pornography if you don’t want too, refusing to use safe sex practices or controlling your decisions about having children. All constitute Sexual abuse.
All abuse leads to Emotional Abuse derailment and mental Stress, however, sometimes the abuse is not physical, nor sexual, nor loud verbal. Its about control and subjugation of the individual through non verbal expressions and subtle verbal nuances. It is difficult to explain because you cannot see it.
Mehar loves her husband but she feels trapped. She can’t put her finger on it because he does everything that a husband is supposed to for her. He doesn’t really want her opinion on decisions on their future but she is okay with that as he anyway does a super job of financial planning. He does like to have the last word on any discussion but he does that with his friends also.
She loves it when he gets jealous if any man talks to her. Her friends make fun of how much he loves her because of his jealousy. He wants to know where she is all the time. In fact, Sonam was saying she wishes her husband was more like Shailesh.
Despite that Mehar feels as if she is in a prison and is finding herself becoming listless and uninterested in most things around her.
She would love to talk to her mom about what she feels, but how would she describe this. Plus he doesn’t like her meeting her family, its been a long time since she spent time with sister or mom for that matter.
When ever, she starts to talk about something, he makes her feel that her concerns are silly and she needs to grow up. I guess her feelings are silly.
But she does want to study further, he was okay with correspondence course, she even joined one but somehow she just never got time to complete her papers. They were a flurry of night outs and people coming over and eventually she abandoned it because she could see that he felt that he felt that she was ignoring him to do her homework. She did put in a paper done hurriedly, but the result was so bad that she just quit and never even told him about it. He had her email password and she knew he checked her mail off and on – the jealous streak of love, I guess. Maybe he knew.
These are all the kinds of abuse that walk around in our homes and streets, morning and night. Sadly, the abuse hides deep within, festering into mental, emotional and physical imbalance that stops these beautiful people from being happy, pure, beautiful flowers that should be blooming in the sunshine. Instead they hide in the shadows of their own make believe world sitting on top of a furnace of hell fire sans any honor or dignity.